MARCH MADNESS: Edward Elric vs Azula

Azula versus Edward Elric

Ink: I feel really about about Ed losing this fight. But he totally would.

Words: The difference isn't skill. It's ruthlessness.

Words: Ed has a definite aversion to killing.

Words: Whereas Azula lives and breathes ruthlessness.

Words: The second Ed gets her trapped, she defaults to Blowing Crap Up.

Ink: And let's not forget--Azula likes lightening. And metal is a conductor.

(Not to mention, Winry would kill him for getting his wiring screwed up.)

Ink: Ouch.

Words: Double ouch.

Ink: Double ouch indeed.

Words: Ed wouldn't know what had hit him.

Ink: Although I'm sure that sparring with Roy would have prepared him for fighting in the midst of fire, which I'm sure a lot of real badasses wouldn't be prepared for.

Words: Hmm, fair point.

Words: But not lightning.

Ink: Definitely not.

Words: Azula could hit him anywhere on the body and it would bounce at least twice before finally leaving.

Words: And Azula's known for NASTY exit wounds.

Words: And entry wounds.

Words: And...wounds.

Ink: Azula's just known for bringing the pain.

Ink: In any way possible.

Words: The only chance Ed would have is if Azula called him "short."

Words: But even then, she's used to beating the pants off Zuko, who I'm sure she's driven to homicidal rage.

Words: Ed would beat her up because she would TOTALLY insult him.

Ink: Azula is good at driving people into homicidal rage, I'm sure she can handle it.

Words: It is, after all, one of her greatest talents.

Ink: Alchemy probably wouldn't even faze her--she's dealt with Earthbenders.

Words: Even if she didn't one-shot him, Ed would start trying to analyze her lightning attack, and that would be it.

Words: Azula's got this one in the bag.

Ink: Azula has this one wrapped up.

Ink: Sorry, Ed.

Ink: we still love you.

Words: We do!

Words: Even if you're...

Words: ..

Words: ..

Ink: don't say it!

Words: -short-.

Words ducks and covers.

Ink: you'd better run.

MARCH MADNESS: Nick vs. V

Nick versus V

Words: In one corner: Nick Ryves, demon-person and Knife Nut extraordinaire.

(If his killer looks don’t get to you, his killer blades probably will.)

Ink: In the other: a deeply-thoughtful anarchist who likes reading, old movies, and dynamite.

Ink: And Tchaikovsky.

(Tchaikovsky is to this man what soap is to Fight Club.)

Words: V's got culture going for him, but culture doesn't mean much against knives.

Words: V fights mostly with ideas, which Nick doesn't care for.

Words: Also, when you think about it, Nick is an as-yet-undetermined reservoir of raw power.

Ink: Nick can conjure up storms.

Words: I don't think V can compete with that.

Ink: I think they'd have a wicked-awesome knife fight, and then Nick would skewer him with a sword.

Words: Well-played, V, but you can't take this one.

Ink: Better luck with the British Government.

Ink: This is a tangent, but I do wonder how Nick would respond to music. Music is pre-lingual in some senses, but it's also deeply emotional, which Nick is not.

Words: That does raise an interesting question. I think he wouldn't see the point.

Words: ...but I would pay so much money to see that knife fight.

MARCH MADNESS: Dobby vs. Bartimaeus

ROUND #1

Words and I talked it over, and we decided that Dobby, although he's pretty good at taking out Death Eaters, just wouldn't have the combat experience to deal with Bartimaeus.

Words: Dobby's great and all, but he's WOEFULLY outclassed.

Words: Woefully.

Ink: Poor guy.

Words: Sadface. Ah well.

Ink: I wish Bartimaeus would go easy on him because he's awesome.

Ink: But I don't think he would.

Words: Nope. They'd bond over slavery, though.

Ink: That would be pretty cute. Alright, Bartimaeus wins!

He's an awesome elf, but elves ain't got nothin' on djinn. Although Bartimaeus and Dobby are oddly alike in their social awareness, but I think Dobby's campaigning for better elf rights was ultimately more successful. Politics, yes, combat, no. Sorry, Dobby. Better luck next time!

(Only 5,000 years of hardcore slavery could make you

capable of doing anything other than hugging this elf.)

MARCH MADNESS: INTRODUCTION

Words and I are excited to present a new feature for this month: March Madness! We'll be pitting sixteen characters from our favorite books, movies, and TV shows against each other all this month, discussing the various characters, and after four rounds, picking a winner. The characters are from just about every 'verse imaginable, so you shouldn't have any trouble finding a familiar face. If you're a little fuzzy on how this is going to work, so are we, but stick with us.

On the left side of our bracket, we have the magical characters, the alchemists, the benders, the geniuses, and anybody who's flat-out superhuman:

Bartimaeus from the Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud

Dobby from Harry Potter by JK Rowling

Nick Ryves from the Demon's Lexicon and sequels by Sarah Rees Brennan

V from V for Vendetta

Octavian Nothing from the Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing by MT Anderson

River Tam from Firefly

Azula of the Fire Nation from Avatar: the Last Airbender

Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist

On the right side of bracket, we have:

Eugenides from the Queen's Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner

Wesley from the Princess Bride

Domnovoi Butler from the Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer

Zoe Alleyene from Firefly (I didn't know that Zoe had a last name either.)

Ursa of the Fire Nation from Avatar: the Last Airbender

Bellatrix Lestrange from the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling (I know she's a witch, but she snuck into this bracket, or, more likely, cursed some poor Muggle off of it)

Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory

The first round will be determined on who we think would win in a fight--brute strength. The second round will be determined by the contestants' finesse, trickery, or sneakiness. The third is a battle of wit, and the final round will be based entirely on style points.

Let's be clear, though--we're not advising that you bet money on any of this (and we have no idea how you'd collect bets if you did), but feel free to collect bragging rights when your pick advances to the next round. Sit back, check out the bracket, pick a favorite, and enjoy the game!