10 Phrases Overheard At Black Belt Camp

Yeah, I'm a brown belt, but we were allowed to tag along. (I think they wanted someone to beat the snot out of.) It went like this- wake up at 5:30, do a workout consisting of basics, forms, two-on-one sparring (no contact, but I still got kicked in the face twice) , and tree kicking, shower, change clothes, eat, and sleep until next workout. Rinse & repeat. 3 days of this, interspersed with a karaoke party that lasted until midnight. Flat-out awesome.


"Those girls are always last because they have to put on their tae kwon do mascara."

"See, I don't bruise easily-"
"Oh, a challenge."

"Don't make fun of our bathroom!"

"We can Photoshop Ted in. He's only the grandmaster of the whole camp."

*screech* "Well, the brakes work."

"How many black belts does it take to set up a karaoke machine?"

"What's up?""My blood pressure, my heart rate, my bruise-to-skin quotient... everything but oxygen levels."

"There's a bug in my bra!"

"New friggen' York, New friggen' York!"

"My neck hurts, my arms ache, my shins are covered in bruises..."
"Welcome to black belt camp."


So, what did you do this weekend?

When Scripture Strikes

When I was a wee little lass in Ireland (or Maryland... sigh) my mom used to play vacation Bible School songs in the car, seeing as she usually organized them. The catchiest of which was the "Ask and You Shall Receive" one, which had the tinkley melody of the J-pop opening of a Cartoon Network anime. It's followed closely by the Great Commission song ("Matthew 28: 19 and 20, that's the Great Commission! Matthew 28: 19 and 20 says to go soul fishin'!")

I mention this because I've been asking for a subplot to my novel for awhile now- a couple of days, but it felt like a lot more. I've been asking pretty fervently. Not from God, necessarily (whom, I understand, has bigger fish to fry). No, I've been appealing to the novel itself. "I gave you life, novel! I poured sweat and blood* into you! You owe me one measly subplot!"

Well, I'm being a bit unfair to my novel here. On coughing up ideas owed, it's got a credit rate of 800. But, being the paranoid writer I am, I've been harassing it with all the tender sensitivity of a loan shark. And it's paid up. With interest. I get to flesh out my worldbuilding, make my climax realistic, give weight and a POV to my most neglected (and doomed) main character... I even get to do that cool thing where you switch between storylines between chapters! It's great!
So persevere, guys. This feels so good- writer's high, and I wouldn't want you to miss it.

Anyway, my faith reaffirmed, I'm off to write about wars, murderers and magic.

Laura Mallory will be proud.



*Literally, in some cases. I tend to have painful accidents while thinking about my novel and multitasking (ie: cooking, shaving, walking near sharp-cornered furniture.)

Harry Potter Mania

50 Ways to Annoy Dolores Umbridge

Guaranteed to get you detention with the Quill of Evil

1. Don't follow her regulations.
2. ... and when she punishes you, tell her that discrimination against people under Imperious is against aforementioned regulation.
3. Graffiti "Dumbledore rules, Fudge drools" in every bathroom stall in the school.
4. ... including the one in her own personal bathroom.
5. Write her soppy love letters and insist they're from Fudge.
6. Later, write her creepy letters and insist they're from a stalker/Death Eater.
7. Say how nice it is that she made the Inquisitorial Squad for "the socially and academically challenged."
8. Tell her that you think meeting new people would do wonders for her personal life.
9. Whenever she says Voldemort is dead, cluck your tongue, wobble your head, snap and say "uh uh uh, girlfriend! Whateva!"
10. Tell her what a lovely, balanced, stable child Harry Potter is and giggle fangirlishly.
11. Start a Harry Potter fanclub. Insist that she, Malfoy, Ginny, Colin and Dennis attend.
12. Act mortally offended when they don't come and cry during her class.
13. Burst out laughing in her class. When she demands to know why, say in a falsely ecstatic voice, "I'm just so happy to be here!"
14. Ask her to join S.P.E.W.
15. ...give her a S.P.E.W. button and announce her as "just another proud spewer!" at dinner in the Great Hall.
16. Give all the teachers hugs.
17. ... in front of her.
18. ... except for her.
19. Answer all her questions, written or verbal, in a foreign language. Claim you are an exchange student, and tell her "I do not speak the Engleesh very excellent, please."
20. When you get detention for not speaking English, talk about her under your breath in a foreign language the whole time, and say, "My visit to the Britteen is not so nice."
21. Do this in the second semester, after you have been speaking English fluently for whole first term.
22. Read her the Miranda Rights.
23. Dress up as a centaur.
24. Impersonate Slim Shady.
25. Threaten to call your lawyer.
26. Tell her 'yo momma' jokes constantly.
27. Doodle all over the Educational Degrees.
28. Whenever you address her, say "Yessir, um, ma'am... uh, Pooba!" and bow repeatedly.
29. Offer to tell her bedtime stories.
30. When she refuses, tell her, "That's okay. I'll just write it down at the end of my next homework."
31. Make sure the story is about an ugly toad who tries to defeat a handsome king and a gifted apprentice. The toad should die at the end.
32. When she asks you, "What exactly are those metaphors supposed to mean?" respond, "Wasn't that what the chapter we read was about?"
33. Tell her that you don't understand and would like redimal Defense Against the Dark Arts because you "really care about your grade and want to bring it up."
34. Smirk because she can't refuse such a sincere plea.
35. Use this time to further your torture of her. For instance, grin cheesily when you arrive and say, "Now we get to spend even more time together!"
36. Send her email address to every spammer known to man.
37. Offer to help her get rid of the spam, and use the time on her computer to send her address to every spammer known to monkeys.
38. If you are about to graduate, ask if you can get a job at Hogwarts because you'll miss her too much to leave.
39. If you are a first year, tell her how glad you are that you get to be around her for six more whole years!!!!
40. Confuse her with your alternation between evident hatred and cheesy, idiotic love for her.
41. The first time you meet her, look petrified, stand up and scream, "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!" Look around frantically towards the exits and dive out the most unlikely one, like the trash can or window.
42. Tell her you have paranoia problems and have been too afraid of adults to tell them about it. Ask if she could recommend a good psychiatrist.
43. When she informs you haughtily that she wouldn't know, nod pityingly and say "There's no shame in therapy."
44. Invite a ton of Death Eaters, including Voldemort, to Hogwarts. Say there's a block party in her office.
45. Write a 1000 page thesis of "Dumbledore's Top 317.4 Greatest Qualities." End it with, "I wish I could go on, but with such a great human being, this could never end."
46. Distribute copies of it all over the school. Use her paper, and ask if you can turn it in for extra credit.
47. Cough on her a lot. Insist that "weak health runs in the Riddle family."
48. Tell her that you "haven't been the same since I had that gosh-darned Ring of Power."
49. Ask her which Ring messed her up. When she won't tell you, drop to all fours and begin to talk to yourself. Use the term "my Precious." Straighten, and say, "Sorry, I reverted there. Won't happen again, Precious."
50. Talk at length about what nice, well-raised boys those Fred and George Weasley are.

Moby-Dick

As I write this, I'm involved in a friggin' battle.

There is a fly buzzing around my desk, landing on my possessions, any exposed skin, and generally irritating me beyond all compare.

Now, if I wasn't supposed to be doing something else, this might be fine. But I'm supposed to be typing up a bit of dialouge to pump my ailing word count.

Forget that. It's me vs. fly.

Oh, I don't want to kill it. I'm not a fan of killing animals. I just want it the heck out of my room. So I'm trying to trap it. At first, I had a little candy jar made of glass, with one of those hinged lids. That didn't work out so well. The top kept flopping down before I could pin the fly against an available surface. My current harpoon is a plastic cup. Lidless, but wide.

I've come close, but this thing's impossible to catch. It's a friggin' white whale. But I'll get it in the end. I have the power of procrastination on my side. No task is too trival to devote ungodly amount of time to.


Here's the moral of this story: Don't waste time and try to keep your work space tolerable.


See ya, guys, I'm going to get some Sevin to hose down my keyboard. That should work.

Aw, crap...

I just completed editing my 2006 NaNo.

I'm quite happy with the final product, except for one thing. The novel is now at 46,500 words. This does not fly.

So... how do YOU add 3,500 sellable words to a novel?

Seems almost lyrical at 11:30...

Cruelly ripped off of Paperback Writer's writing links comes the the Bonsai Story Generator. I put in snippets from my novel, my novellette, and a report on suicide bombers in WWII, and it came out as a strange, sad sort of poem. (the scene from the novel was discussing swordplay, the novellette, very bad first dates, and the report, fatality statistics. Bit depressing, really.) Try it out, it's neat.

“I think I have been worst first date?” He then asked trying not really romantic, but I took me a pocket Jarrin had not to laugh.
“Obviously, yes,” he seemed to change his students to boning fish.
He turned and looked me square in 1940’s Japan now.
Several factors began the comment and was strangely shaped and told me when I was so immediately.
He had a walk?
There’s a legendary typhoon that destroyed an eyebrow.
“The transcendent worst first date?” He nodded.
“Isn’t it is force to as such in Japanese.
The word ‘kamikaze’ originally referred to as such in a full-out melee with a snort.
He ignored the army or ‘divine wind’ in Japanese.
The word ‘kamikaze’ originally referred to a snort.
He doubted that time period.
The first kamikaze literally means ‘god wind’ or air attacks.
Shinpu tokubetsu kōgeki tai.
They focused on this mission later.
He then asked twenty-three of a ship, however- he asked.
“Maybe, if it is still called ‘kamikaze.’ Suicide pilots I am not going because I knew what the stone really romantic, but she should have a more “Probably not to laugh.
“Obviously, yes,” he said.
“Will you never, ever be referred to a kamikaze, but they would rarely, if it was anger- I was using an incorrect dialect.
This term gained universal acceptance in the eyes.
“Arenya, if you never, ever mention that was about it some prior experience dealing with me when I close my now-fragile feet.
Furious, I think the beginning of them raised their hands to use a walk?
There’s a knife.
No lies- one day they would rarely, if ever, be referred to learn how to use of kamikaze attacks.
First, the only ones who really practice with me when I left the Emperor… I raised an American translator and then translated using and grabbed a sweater and checked my now-fragile feet.
Furious, I asked, trying not to laugh.
“Obviously, yes,” he said.
“I don’t care,” she might have surpassed them.
Japan’s overextended war budget couldn’t fund designing another plane.
Many of a ship, however- he seemed to hand combat to use it.
And that was intended for the first date?” He ignored the other, he had to tokkaotai.
Stormer, Japan Visitor.
So, how to use of kamikaze literally means ‘god wind’ or the other, he said.
“I don’t care,” she might have one, so sophisticated.
A ring.
I ever received on this mission for the I shrugged.
“I’d like to think I have some prior experience but she replied.
“It’s a short sword.
I raised an attack called Operation Kikusui floating chrysanthemums.
They embargoed items like a six year old.
“Even now, many students are gone.” -Saubro Sakai, Imperial Japanese The word ‘kamikaze’ literally means ‘god wind’ or the Emperor… I headed back to the army lacked.
He ignored the HMAS Australia, killing at least thirty crewmen.
On April 6th, 1945, hundreds of the head, the knife.
“No, nothing quite so careful to use a patriotic Japanese homeland.
Commander Asaiki Tami asked Lieutenant Yukio Suki to lead the Japanese armed forces.
He doubted that he said.
“I don’t care,” she said with a snort.
He gave me “I think I have bombed the torso.” “If you’re the training I think the tokubetsu kōgeki tai.
They focused on October 21st, 1944.
The word ‘kamikaze’ literally means ‘god wind’ or the navy.
Since he asked, suspecting she should have been worst first date?” He gave me when I thought about all the sword.
Can’t you like to use a kodachi?” he considered the sides of how it was intended for the first kamikaze mission.
All of them You’d likely call a kodachi?” he considered the sword like a six kamikazes hit seven carriers, sunk five ships, badly damaged twenty-one more.
On October 25th 1944, fours days later, six kamikazes hit them wherever you marry me?” “I think the Alquimista Guardia wants to Japan after World War II a sheathed knife from a kamikaze, but possible.” “All right, what if we met, for example.” He turned and then there are several different strikes to learn sword Can’t you hit them raised their industrial progress.
They embargoed items like aircraft fuel, scrap metal and caught the Alquimista Guardia wants to kill it’s best pilots.
I took one only to be the top of weaponry,” she might have been worst first dates,” I close my doorway.
“So,” he asked, suspecting she might have to learn sword forms instead of them raised an eyebrow.
“The transcendent worst first dates,” I only have to learn sword forms instead of a patriotic Japanese lost Saipan on the subject of his students come up when I headed back to Japan before the sides of how it is force to keep gravel away from a pocket Jarrin “And you’ve been carrying this whole time?” He nodded once more.
“Nice one,” she said with conviction.
“Would you want?” Kalika interrupted, sounding very much like a six kamikazes hit seven carriers, sunk five ships, badly damaged twenty-one more.
On October 25th 1944, fours days later, six kamikazes hit them wherever you never, ever mention that However, he asked.
“Maybe, if we discuss the United States slowed trade with a simple dagger.
He nodded.
“Isn’t it And that time period.
The word ‘kamikaze’ originally referred to as if it mattered.
“Oh, good, then.
All of them Japan’s overextended war started, slowing their hands to learn sword forms instead of them raised an eyebrow.
“The transcendent worst first dates,” I ever received on July 15th, 1944.
The word shinpu was so careful to use it.
And that was strangely shaped and steel.
Encyclopedia Americana 836.
In English, this whole time?” He nodded once more.
“Nice one,” she said with a snort.
He nodded once more.
“Nice one,” she said with the navy: it though.” She drew a full moon.” I was ordered to.” Wikipedia.
The Americans gained universal acceptance in World War II a second, then translated using an incorrect dialect.
This could refer to Japan after words in the eyes.
“Arenya, if it was about all around use- from my now-fragile feet.
Furious, I knew what it was,” she might have been worst first dates,” I close my students come up when I grabbed the other, he asked, suspecting she said, incomprehensive of my students to volunteer for the Empire or air attacks.
Shinpu tokubetsu kōgki tai, or ‘divine wind in Japanese.
The initial attack took place on the I have some prior experience but she said with Japan before saying, “Please let me a heart-melting look.
I thought about all the navy: it was,” she said, incomprehensive of Okinawa in astonishment to Wikipedia.
The word shinpu was so careful to boning fish.
He wrote, “Japan’s future is force to do so you’ll have some prior experience but she replied.
“It’s a tanto?” he seemed to be the tokubetsu kōgeki tai.
They focused on this mission for the sides of his students are gone.” -Saubro Sakai, Imperial Japanese The word ‘kamikaze’ originally referred ...

Most of it, I suppose, is pretty self-evident, but, just to clear up one source of weird combonations, the word "kamikaze" orignally meant "god wind" and referred to a legendary typhoon that drove away an invading fleet in the 1300's. And, um, the think about now-fragile feet- the MC got her feet burned.

Oh, the sane, normal things I write.