Harry Potter Mania

50 Ways to Annoy Dolores Umbridge

Guaranteed to get you detention with the Quill of Evil

1. Don't follow her regulations.
2. ... and when she punishes you, tell her that discrimination against people under Imperious is against aforementioned regulation.
3. Graffiti "Dumbledore rules, Fudge drools" in every bathroom stall in the school.
4. ... including the one in her own personal bathroom.
5. Write her soppy love letters and insist they're from Fudge.
6. Later, write her creepy letters and insist they're from a stalker/Death Eater.
7. Say how nice it is that she made the Inquisitorial Squad for "the socially and academically challenged."
8. Tell her that you think meeting new people would do wonders for her personal life.
9. Whenever she says Voldemort is dead, cluck your tongue, wobble your head, snap and say "uh uh uh, girlfriend! Whateva!"
10. Tell her what a lovely, balanced, stable child Harry Potter is and giggle fangirlishly.
11. Start a Harry Potter fanclub. Insist that she, Malfoy, Ginny, Colin and Dennis attend.
12. Act mortally offended when they don't come and cry during her class.
13. Burst out laughing in her class. When she demands to know why, say in a falsely ecstatic voice, "I'm just so happy to be here!"
14. Ask her to join S.P.E.W.
15. ...give her a S.P.E.W. button and announce her as "just another proud spewer!" at dinner in the Great Hall.
16. Give all the teachers hugs.
17. ... in front of her.
18. ... except for her.
19. Answer all her questions, written or verbal, in a foreign language. Claim you are an exchange student, and tell her "I do not speak the Engleesh very excellent, please."
20. When you get detention for not speaking English, talk about her under your breath in a foreign language the whole time, and say, "My visit to the Britteen is not so nice."
21. Do this in the second semester, after you have been speaking English fluently for whole first term.
22. Read her the Miranda Rights.
23. Dress up as a centaur.
24. Impersonate Slim Shady.
25. Threaten to call your lawyer.
26. Tell her 'yo momma' jokes constantly.
27. Doodle all over the Educational Degrees.
28. Whenever you address her, say "Yessir, um, ma'am... uh, Pooba!" and bow repeatedly.
29. Offer to tell her bedtime stories.
30. When she refuses, tell her, "That's okay. I'll just write it down at the end of my next homework."
31. Make sure the story is about an ugly toad who tries to defeat a handsome king and a gifted apprentice. The toad should die at the end.
32. When she asks you, "What exactly are those metaphors supposed to mean?" respond, "Wasn't that what the chapter we read was about?"
33. Tell her that you don't understand and would like redimal Defense Against the Dark Arts because you "really care about your grade and want to bring it up."
34. Smirk because she can't refuse such a sincere plea.
35. Use this time to further your torture of her. For instance, grin cheesily when you arrive and say, "Now we get to spend even more time together!"
36. Send her email address to every spammer known to man.
37. Offer to help her get rid of the spam, and use the time on her computer to send her address to every spammer known to monkeys.
38. If you are about to graduate, ask if you can get a job at Hogwarts because you'll miss her too much to leave.
39. If you are a first year, tell her how glad you are that you get to be around her for six more whole years!!!!
40. Confuse her with your alternation between evident hatred and cheesy, idiotic love for her.
41. The first time you meet her, look petrified, stand up and scream, "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!" Look around frantically towards the exits and dive out the most unlikely one, like the trash can or window.
42. Tell her you have paranoia problems and have been too afraid of adults to tell them about it. Ask if she could recommend a good psychiatrist.
43. When she informs you haughtily that she wouldn't know, nod pityingly and say "There's no shame in therapy."
44. Invite a ton of Death Eaters, including Voldemort, to Hogwarts. Say there's a block party in her office.
45. Write a 1000 page thesis of "Dumbledore's Top 317.4 Greatest Qualities." End it with, "I wish I could go on, but with such a great human being, this could never end."
46. Distribute copies of it all over the school. Use her paper, and ask if you can turn it in for extra credit.
47. Cough on her a lot. Insist that "weak health runs in the Riddle family."
48. Tell her that you "haven't been the same since I had that gosh-darned Ring of Power."
49. Ask her which Ring messed her up. When she won't tell you, drop to all fours and begin to talk to yourself. Use the term "my Precious." Straighten, and say, "Sorry, I reverted there. Won't happen again, Precious."
50. Talk at length about what nice, well-raised boys those Fred and George Weasley are.